Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Dandruff Shampoo Puts Dandruff-Like Squiggles In Man’s Hair.

How to sell shampoo to a male sports fan (click image)? Draw a 3-wideout pass play in his hair, of course. It’s the Head Bowl: The Miami Lice vs. The Detroit Dandruff. (scanned from Sports Illustrated)

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


I'm off to Amsterdam for five days of stoned canal boat paddling and drunken dike plugging. Back Tuesday.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006


copywriter: "Like what if we had a fucking whale's tail coming out of the fucking washer, man?
art director: "Yeah yeah, but, like, it's a denim patchwork tail."
copywriter: "No man, fucking tie-dye man, tie-dye."
art director: "Dude you're so fucking stoned. The colors would run."
copywriter: (long pause) "You're a fucking killjoy, man."

(ad scanned from domino mag)

Vis-a-vis Bullshit.

I thought Time was full of shit. How ironic of Visa to be "helping" struggling artists by buying mural space in Greenwich Village for them to display their work. Heartfelt, really. This is the same bait-and-switch, screw-you-in-the-fine-print Visa with the sky fucking high interest rates that greatly contribute to struggling people's struggles. Life Takes Expression? I got a couple of better headlines for this corporate hooey:
• Life Takes Misappropriation. Life Takes Visa.
• Life Takes Shills. Life Takes Visa.

Friday, May 19, 2006

It's Fucking Friday.

I'm sick of advertising today. I mean, who are we kidding? It all sucks. Instead, I want to relay to you this inspirational tale of Hope. A brief bittersweet story out of New Zealand (here's the link) that reminds us of both the frailty and the power of Life. After reading it earlier this week, I gently wept myself to sleep. Did you have a goldfish or 2 (or 20) when you were a child? Then you know how delicate they can be. Basically, these little members of the carp family immediately go belly up if you feed them or tap on the glass or look at them. But not Nemo here. He lived in a fucking filthy ditch for five fucking days after being swept from a beautiful backyard pond by terrifying floodwaters. His two best friends dead, Nemo could have burbled "fuck it." But instead he gurgled "I WANT TO LIVE!" Now, even though Nemo has more than probably since died, he breathed new life into me. I head into this spring weekend ready to swim up any stream. To punch any shark in the snout. To eat some fresh, grilled fish. When I do, I will hold up my drink and say "Banzai Nemo." Banzai.
IT'S FRIDAY (well my Friday)

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Law Firm Puts Potential Client Behind Bars In Ad.

(click image)
Let's see here:
I’m the bird? And law firm Zuckerman Spaeder LLP is…the birdcage? And the lion is what? The Law? Well, uh, shouldn’t I then be in a stronger cage? Or actually, shouldn’t I be flying free and not, you know, in fucking jail? And shouldn't lawyers be required to bone up on their Mammalia studies before doing any more wild life metaphor ads?

What is it with law firms and animals?
Law Firm Issued Nitwit Writ.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

bp. Beyond Poppycock.

Look how cutesy-wootsey the logo lockup is (click image) for bp's new campaign promoting its alternativenergy™ (it's trademarked because they cleverly combined the ending "e" of alternative with the beginning "e" of energy. Cute!). You got your cutesy molecule and your cutesy windmill and your cutesy little bee and gosh, isn't it so swell to live in this fantasyland of gumdrops and lollipops? Not enough oil left in the world to get us to 2100? Our planet's being choked to death by carbon emissions? Wee! Who cares! bp is spending a fraction of a fraction of its $160 billion in annual revenue on alternative energy sources! Plus, we got cutesy little artwork to make us feel alllll better! YAY!
It's a start!!!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Bud tells Gays OK to be Gay.

Chad: Just be yourself, man.
Ricky: What, you mean Gay?
Chad: Well yeah, we’re in a Gay ad in a Gay magazine.
Ricky: Oh. OK. But, can we move away from this big honking sweaty phallic symbol?
Chad: Apparently not. Nice tat, though.
Ricky: Thanks.
(Scanned from Metro Source magazine.)


Taglines are DUMB, #1.

Monday, May 15, 2006


"Small Torn Campbell's Soup Can (Pepper Pot)," 1962, by former advertising hack Andy Warhol. Sold at Christie's auction last Tuesday for $11.7 million.
R—"Small Sliced Campbell's Can (Pork & Beans)," 2006, by current advertising hack Mark Copyranter. Bids now being accepted.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Irrefutable Evidence That GOLF is Not A Sport.

Paging through the racist, misogynist, elitist, blubbery white businessman's Bible—Golf Digest—I happened upon this ad for Polo golfwear. Nice look, Chip. These slacks are the final piece of my Truth Puzzle. The biggest piece? Any "sport" that whales like John Daly and Craig Stadler can excel at, is not a fucking sport. Here's a partial list of games and activities that are more of a "sport" than golf:
•Table Tennis•Table Hockey•Shuffleboard•Table Shuffleboard•White-Water Rafting• Pool-Water Rafting•Tiddlywinks•Mowing A Golf Course•Driving A Golf Cart•Building A Bird House•Stratego®•Eating An Artichoke•Fucking•Taking A Crap

"Here's the story...of a slam-dunk lawsuit..."

The "DeeTee Bunch" DataTraveler USB Flash drives are "the most popular storage family in town." (yuckity yuck yuck yuck) Yep, so popular that Kingston Technology didn't feel obliged to pay ABC for stealing (quite lamely) the iconic visual representation of the TV series to further its data memory empire.
(culled from the always pulsating PC World magazine.)

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Yep. She's Lost.

This is Evangeline Lilly from ABC's Lost. I don't watch network TV, so I didn't know who the fuck she was. What I do know is that this is about the most fucked up celebrity endorsment ad I've ever seen (click image). Karastan carpet? Says Evangeline in the copy: "My friends say their favorite thing about me is that every day, I'm a different person." Soon as I finished reading that, I was on the phone to my local Karastan retailer. Why are those chess pieces too damn big for the carpet squares? Why is the wall carpeted? Why isn't she dressed in a checkered dress? What is she looking at? Did she get to keep the big chess pieces? Why Evangeline Lilly?

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

What is it with law firms and animals?

(click images)
First, Dykema says Zebras are Losers. Second, Bingham McCutchen says Zebras are Winners. Third, why are law firms advertising in the first place? Fourth, if you're gonna advertise, you soulless, billable-hours animals, how bout you get the fuck off the Serengeti and try another stupid borrowed-interest shtick. Babies, maybe?

Law Firm Issued Nitwit Writ.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

"Can you hear me saying 'FUCK YOU' now?"

This annoying fucking banner has been on my hotmail homepage since yesterday, inviting me to click its mysterious undulating message. So I clicked. It leads to Verizon's fucking shopping page. What pure unabashed nonsensical evil. It makes me want to default my fucking Verizon wireless bill. Twats.
(update: moving my mouse over the ad, at the very end of a long line of gibberish lies the URL:

Monday, May 08, 2006

geezerJock? Yes, geezerJock.

You work at an ad agency, you get every magazine under the sun thrown at you (you duck if it's the September Vogue). I thought this HAD to be a parody pub. It's not. It's a sad little bi-monthly, weezing to make 48 pages with exactly one major advertiser—Michelob Ultra. Gotta admire its honest title though. If only...
People was Peeple
Money was Greedy
AARP was 2/3rds Dead

Blaine Bubble™ merchandising opportunities.

• The Blaine Bubble™ Limited Edition X-Mas Tree Ornament
• The Blaine Bubble™ Snow Globe (includes actual water from the Bubble!)
• The Blaine Bubble™ Solitary Goldfish Aquarium (includes miniature notepad and pencil so your child can write little "Blainy" notes!)
• The Blaine Bubble™ Throw-in Fabric Softener Balls
• The Blaine Bubble™ Anal Beads, beautifully hand-carved and -painted
• New voice of Mr. Bubble
• Mr. Diet Pepsi, Brown and Bubbly
• Official icon for The Housing Bubble
(photo by the archeress)

Friday, May 05, 2006

Balvenie Weenie, Cinco de Mayo edition.

Last time I visited with the Balvenie Weenie, we explored some deathbed pickup lines the mouth-less douche bag might employ. Today (click image), let's give him some better Cinco de Mayo lines:
• "I don't drink Margaritas because they make my sperm taste like shit."
• "This one scotch costs more than most day laborers make in a week! Yuckity yuck yuck...
• "Can I fuck you?"

If you want, please put your words in his nonexistent mouth in the comments.

Thursday, May 04, 2006


Day-after-day, on my hotmail home page, I receive a subtle reminder from True—the "safer online dating service"—that bathing suit dating season is fast approaching.

On online dating advertising
So close, you can SMELL it.
New Year. New Love.
"This is my Diaphragm. Scared?"
Close Your Eyes.

An Unsigned Letter from a Distillery in Holland.

Dear Ketel One Maker:
"After life is death."—Alegeron Charles Swinburne, 1866.
So stop writing me love notes Dutchie and get back to making vodka.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


Yes, extraordinary stories—all about mutant, killer rats.

(photo taken on Lafayette, betwixt Houston and Prince. This union rat apparently has nothing to do with the Festival.)

As opposed to, what? Trade pelts for them?

(click image)
Male consumer, do you have 90 dollars of cash or credit readily available? Then march into your local Penguin retailer, pick up a pair of these shoes in your size, walk up to the cash register, complete a financial transaction with the salesperson, and you will have then concluded a marketing cycle begun by this advertisement.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


Bowlmor Lanes has apparently become an indoor cricket field. Either that, or this is the most blatantly untruthful bowling alley ad in the history of bowling alley ads. It's like a wink without an eye.



The Bowlmor Girls. Now With Zero Bowling.

Welcome to the (fake) people_ready business.

Microsoft has done good advertising, like, never. But this new fakery is fucking foul. Fake Business. Fake People. Fake Benefits. You're people ready? That's novel for a software company. I, personally, am looking for aardvark_ready software. Anyway, I got out the tape and a marker and took a stab (click image) at what these model/actors might really be ready to do.
The Fake Testimonial. Now with more Fake.