Thursday, December 01, 2016

This Season's 5 Worst Christmas Commercials


They're all bad, but the Lexus spots are the absolute worst.
My latest post for Digiday—LINK.

Friday, November 25, 2016

I've Finally Found My Stock Photo Dæmon.


He's on Shutterstock, labeled: "Senior Man Using Laptop Computer At Rest In Park Outdoors". He is the perfect physical manifestation of my Inner Self. More about him (he's Russian) and more photos via my new post on Digiday—LINK.

Wednesday, November 09, 2016

What's the Difference Between a Smart Senseless Ad and a Stupid senseless Ad?

It's very subtle, but there is a difference.
Read about it in this post I wrote for Digiday—LINK.


Friday, October 28, 2016

It's Official: Everybody Hates Advertising Now.


It's not just the General Public and "Banksy". No, now even ad men and women, even creatives, hate it. Read why here, on Digiday.

Friday, October 21, 2016

What is a Copywriter, Exactly?


And what do they do? Well, I'll tell ya, exactly, what they are and what they do, right here, on Digiday—LINK.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The 5 Most God-Awful Taglines in America.


Pick your least favorite, here on Digiday.

Monday, October 03, 2016

We desperately need more "Advertising Assholes"


Wussies are killing ad creativity.
We need the ad "assholes" (like Lois) to rise up NOW.
Story by me on Digiday—LINK.

Monday, September 26, 2016

What Ad Agencies Will Look Like in 2025.


No creative departments, No account execs, no Big Ideas, but Sir Martin Sorrell, one way or another, will still be chairman of WPP. Read the story on Digiday—LINK.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Casual Sexism Alive & Well in Advertising


See all six casually-sexist ads here, on Digiday.


Friday, September 09, 2016

Seven Recent Ads That Don't Suck.


Check them out here—LINK on Digiday.

Friday, September 02, 2016

How to Beat Writer's Block.


This post is for all creatives, CWs, ADs, and designers—LINK.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

True Confessions of an Analog Ad Man in a Digital World.


I am so, so very lost every day.
Post LINK, on Digiday.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

How To #Win At Social Media.

Brands! You are #Losing!
Here's exactly what you have to do to starting #Winning!
LINK—copyranter on Digiday.

Friday, August 05, 2016

How To Write Good Obnoxious Copy.


ATTN: copywriters.
LINK, on Digiday.

Monday, August 01, 2016

The Worst Big Brand Ads Of 2016.

Terrible, Terrible, and even more Terrible-er. 8 ads.
LINK—on Digiday.

Monday, July 25, 2016

The new AdBot 9000 just wrote copy for 8 brands.


Copywriters? We're dead meat.
LINK, on Digiday.


Friday, July 15, 2016

Using Sex To Sell Unsexy Products Is A Bad Idea.


Using sex to sell unsexy products can get very awkward, like with these ads for a Malaysian breast cancer association: "be a victim of fashion, not cancer." Seven more of these awkward ads here, on Digiday.

Tuesday, July 05, 2016

Does Advertising Even Work Anymore?


Short answer? No.
Long answer? FUCK no.
An explanation here, on Digiday.

Friday, June 24, 2016

8 Best Fake Ads Of The Year. Via The Chip Shop Awards.


Fuck Cannes. Here's some real creative talent, LINK.

Friday, June 17, 2016

How To Tell If You Are A "Thought Leader".


If you answer "yes" to these seven questions, well then, you're allowed to call yourself a fucking "Thought Leader". LINK—on Digiday.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Calvin Klein 2016: Smells LikeTeen Desperation.


CK has finally done it: made stupid boring sex ads, the worst fashion campaign I've ever seen.
LINK, on Digiday.

Friday, June 03, 2016

Creative Briefs—the worst pieces of communications in business history.

The Creative Brief is always about one thing and one thing only—covering asses.

Friday, May 27, 2016

The Best Ads of 2016, So Far.

Including a wonderfully weird Swedish spot for cider (above).
See all the ads here.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Worst Ads Of 2016, So Far.

Including a print ad for a hoo-hah moisturizer with the headline: "Va-dry-na?"
LINK, on Digiday.

Friday, May 13, 2016

The Most Insufferable Vodka Ad Ever Produced.


Six disaffected rich assholes take a ride on a French Blimp. Unfortunately, a passing German ME-106 doesn't blast it out of the sky. Brand: Grey Goose. LINK: copyranter on Digiday.

Monday, May 09, 2016

Nine New Ways To Be More "Creative" in 2016.


Many many creative "experts" have recently posted their "secret" methods for improving creative thought. I sifted through them and created this brilliantly curated list post. Plus I added a couple of my own, including "Put dead things on your desk like a human skull, your father's ashes, bad taxidermy". I promise if you read this, you will become more "creative." LINK.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Why Chevy's Prince "Tribute" Ad Was Awful In Every Way.

It wasn't just an unethical ad. It was creatively tasteless.
copyranter on Digiday—LINK.

Friday, April 22, 2016

"Death" Is Selling A Lot Of Product These Days.


From shoes to snowboards to contacts to bottled water, etc.
See all the ads here—LINK.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Who The Hell's Responsible For The Linguistic Destruction Of Advertising?


I'll tell you who, but if "scare" quotes scare you, maybe don't click—LINK.

Friday, April 01, 2016

REPORT: Inside The McDonald's Tagline Bunker.

McDonald's is desperately trying to come up with a tagline to appeal to Millennials.
They're not doing so well. copyranter on Digiday—LINK.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

The Go-To Ad Joke Is—Still—The White Male Moron.


The hyper-laziness of the ad industry continues...(LINK).

Friday, March 18, 2016

The Best (And Worst) Things Ever Said About Advertising.


I've been collecting ad quotes for 11 years.
Here's eight good ones—LINK, copyranter on Digiday.

Friday, March 11, 2016

The Lost Art Of The Billboard.


If Brands took a small part of their big, useless social media advertising budget and put up ONE great billboard in a high visibility area, that baby would be shared online like the clap. Big ROI. LINK: copyranter on Digiday.

Friday, February 26, 2016

The Secret To Great Advertising...


...is simple, but to hard to create well. LINK, on Digiday.

Sunday, February 21, 2016

Millennials Demand ALL Brands Take On Issues.


Gone are the days of simply selling the “benefits” of your product or service. Gone are the days of decades-long advertising campaigns hammering home the same successful selling message over and over. And (mostly) gone are the days of CMOs buying summer homes with agency kickbacks on these big media campaigns.

Say bye-bye, fuckers.

Today’s 18-34 year-old consumer demands not only quality products from marketers, but transparency and most of all, responsibility.

Right now, mook boy deodorant Lynx is taking on suicide; Coke is trying to stop cyberbulling; many brands are promoting gay and lesbian lifestyles, and of course Dove is taking advantage of women’s insecurities under the guise of “female empowerment.”

But as a whole, companies have been slow aligning their brands with causes. So let’s give them a kick in the ass.

Huggies

Huggies (or Pampers or Luvs) is perfectly positioned to take on The Future. Are you going to argue against cute-ass babies, global warming deniers? Babies are Gen Next, and they’re going to shit bricks as they grow up and find out the condition we’ve left their planet in.

Oreo

The Mondelēz cookie brand couldn’t be better designed or positioned to take on and help end racial tensions in the USA. And it’s already a horribly derogatory racist term used by both Caucasians and African Americans alike!


Taco Bell

Everybody’s afraid to take on Donald Trump on Immigration. The Bell needs to step up! Because let’s not forget their previous tagline: Make A Run For The Border! They’re probably already involved in illegal trafficking anyway.

Equal
This is an easy one for the Merisant artificial sweetener; it’s already a chick product.

Stihl

Although the thought of chainsaws combined with domestic violence makes one queasy, women are the major purchase decision makers in most American households.

Jiffy Lube
This is a frggin’ layup for the Shell Oil owned chain. Also they should maybe encourage their hot mechanics to unbutton a couple more buttons on their overalls. Wouldn’t hurt business.

Combat

 I mean: their name means “war.” So just run with it man, especially now.

Clorox

They own “white.” I say “Clorox,” a consumer is going to say “white.” Again, with the current racial climate in America, they should use their whiteness for good.

Walmart

Go ahead and scoff, but if you know upper middle class Liberals as well as I do, then you know how much white wealth guilt they have running through them. A LOT. And they love symbolic gestures.

Evian

“Live Young” and the whole babies campaign is pure bullshit. They just need to come completely clean and I guarantee you Evian would rocket to #1 bottled water brand within weeks.

Friday, February 12, 2016

How To Get Your First Copywriting Job...If You're A Female.


Get a sex change, and other more reasonable tips from someone with inside info (me). LINK, copyranter on Digiday.

Friday, February 05, 2016

5 British Ads Better Than Anything You'll See During The Super Bowl.


I guarantee it.
LINK, on Digiday.

Monday, February 01, 2016

What If Adblockers Advertised?


See all five ads I created here—copyranter on Digiday.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Real-Life Ads are the Best Ads.


Last week, the world's largest drug trafficker accidentally became the worldwide spokesmodel for Barabas' hideous men's shirts. Read about this, plus four other excellent real-life ads from the last few months. Copyranter on Digiday—LINK.

Friday, January 15, 2016

The Definitive Guide To Making A "Viral" Video.


Yes. It's finally here. An expert's (me) easy-to-follow six-step guide to making your very own "viral" brand video. Simply click here and reap. You're welcome.

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Biggest Digital Dipshits of 2015.


Was it Jet Blue's Twitter feed manager (probably ex-manager), who obviously doesn't possess basic knowledge about the history of flight? Click here to pick your favorite 2015 digital dipshitcopyranter on Digiday.