Thursday, October 08, 2015

Seven New Names for "Advertising"

Sir Martin Sorrell, the richest and mouthiest adman in the world, says we need to rename "advertising". So I did, seven times (including "Sorrelling"). See them here, on Digiday.

Monday, September 28, 2015

The Unparalleled Arrogance of the iPhone Taglines Continues...

For eight years, Apple has launched generation after generation of the iPhone with most arrogant yet meaningless slogans imaginable. I went ahead and wrote them some for next year's iPhone 7. LINK—on Digiday.

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Deep Inside a Creative Department All-Nighter.

It's 2am, and you zero good ideas.
LINK on Digiday.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Life of a Millennial Consumer (according to stock photos).

Stock photos—never wrong. Digiday link.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Top 9 Reasons You Should Quit Your Marketing Job.

Your words mean nothing.
You create nothing.
You are nothing.
LINK on Digiday.

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Everybody's Definition of Branded Content is Wrong.

Only one person gets it right—me.
LINK, on Digiday.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015

How to Advertise to Millennials.

Four spec ad examples of Millennial-targeted advertising from an expert.
LINK—on Digiday.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

It's time to kill Cannes. It has become an embarrassment.

(photo by Kurt Novack, 2014)

Scores of scam ads + petty egotistical judges = kill the awards portion of the festival. NOW. LINK, on Digiday.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Ad Creativity vs. Ad Tech: It's an All-Out War.

Ad Tech is Donkey Kong. Ad Creativity is Mario.
Who ya got? Story on Digiday.

Friday, June 05, 2015

New dog food ad ends racism in America.

Also, a new shampoo ad ends divorce in China.
New trend of brands exploiting society's ills to sell product is despicable.
LINK on Digiday.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Angry Aging Area Ad Man (me) Baffled By Bullshit Buzzwords.

Dickweeds are trying to make Advertising more complicated than it is.
Curated Brand Experience? Ephemeral Content? Big Data? All bullshit.

LINK on Digiday.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

UPDATE: Sex No Longers Sells.

18-34 year-olds ain't buying what their selling. Story Link.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

WTF is a Creative Director?

It’s a question I’ve been asked many times over the years by civilians: Just what is it that a creative director does? Sorry, but there is no quick, pat answer, especially nowadays, young millennial. Instead, I will circle the question, like a vulture, hopefully while avoiding shitting on my own legs, unlike a vulture.

Read the rest on Digiday.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Dove's "Real" Beauty Campaign is 100% Bullshit.

And finally, prominent women in media all calling them out.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

How To Get Ahead As A Young Ad Creative.

copyranter—not afraid to be servicey.
It's not pretty out there now for you Millennial CWs and ADs.
But you can find work, if you follow my proprietary advice. LINK.

Thursday, April 02, 2015

Evil, creepy Drone Advertising is here. And you can't stop it.

In Brazil. In Italy. In Japan. In Russia.
Drone-vertising is scaring the shit out of people.
And soon, it will be everywhere, all the time.
Read more on Digiday.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Brands: Stop Hiring Journalists to Write Native Ads.

(If you were Hunter Thompson, then yes, I would let you write a native ad for my brand. But you're not. He's dead.)

Now, well-educated, delusional, underpaid journalists think that they can do advertising better than ad copywriters. This is poppycock. Read why here.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Why did it take Facebook 11 f#©king years to advertise "friendship"?

We all remember the Most Depressing Tech Commercial in History, the 2012 Facebook "Chairs" ad that opened with a scene that looked it was from an episode of True Detective. Zuckerberg followed up that video with even more Dystopian ads.

Well now, finally, Facebook has done something that makes sense. Read why, and see the new ads here.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

The "Big Idea" ain't dead yet. Here's proof.

"No Bollocks" is a great Big Idea.

If I were a CMO? I’d run my brand downtown to the Wall Street office of Droga5 and scream, Fry-like, “Shut up and take my money,” give Dave Droga a blank check, and then go to the lobby and sleep on their couch for two weeks or so, use Droga’s private shower, eat their food, go to New York Dolls with a couple of their chatty account doofs, watch them make it rain singles on smirking strippers — all while their creatives worked 18 hour days on my Big Idea.

Read the rest on Digiday.

Friday, March 06, 2015

Digital is Destroying All Creativity.

Note: this is an ironic visual.

In News. In Fashion. And especially, in Advertising.
LINK, on Digiday.

Tuesday, March 03, 2015

Creative Director, Copywriter, or Art Director—Who is the Biggest Creative Department Douchebag?

The answer will surprise you! Or it won't. LINK, on Digiday.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

How to Create Creative Content in 10 Not-So-Easy Steps.

( a metaphor for your current shitty content)

Here it isI finally reveal the secrets that every good traditional ad creative knows about the mysterious "concepting" process. For goddamn free. (LINK, on Digiday).

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Can a Brand be Your Friend? FUCK No.

Gawker's Nick Denton thinks "a brand can be your friend".
I successfully refute his bullshit on Digiday. LINK.

Friday, February 13, 2015

Native Advertising is Killing Ad Creativity.

I wrote this for Digiday (LINK).
Please share it.
Thank you.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

copyranter®, Inc. is open for business!

(me, creating your great ideas)

I've (well actually my wonderful wife) registered the trademark copyranter®. So I'm now official as fuck.

You want great ad concepts? I'll give you them. Any medium. Any product, from toothpaste to SheMale escort services. Three campaigns for the price of one.

Brands? You want great 'branded content" ideas? I will give you better ideas than any big media website's "creative studio" (Gawker, Vice, etc.) could ever give you. I guaran-fucking-tee it. Then, you can take my idea to their studio and make them execute it. I'll hold their hands to make sure they don't fuck it up.

Also! If you creative studio creative directors want to bring in a hired gun who will give you five ideas better than what your inexperienced creatives could ever hatch, I'm here for you, too. You can even take all the credit, I don't give a crap.

I've given several of these creative studios the chance to hire me at a ridiculously cut rate. You know better than them. It's their loss.

I charge by the day.

Examples of my CLIO/One Show award-winning work available to serious inquirers.


I already have one client, so you won't be the first!

NOTE: I am trying to get out of the ad journalism profession, but people keep paying me to write about this inane industry. So, the ranting continues...

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

10 Awkward Stock Photos Of Businesspeople Holding Oversized Puzzle Pieces (With Undercurrents Of Sexual Tension).

Of all the depressing, cliched business theme stock photo sets, the "final piece of the puzzle" ones are the saddest. They make you want to give up your middle manager dreams and start a life of crime.

Again—for a reason that escapes me—I searched through thousands of photos to bring you this curated collection. Enjoy. Or, start planning your burglary spree.

Click images to enlarge.

Look at the dude's face, right. Oh yeah baby, you like it when I wiggle it around, don't you?

This time, the woman has the penis piece, a metaphor for "pegging".

He loves interracial porn, obviously, preferably black man/white woman.

If you know anything about Japanese porn, then you now that his red piece should be pixelated. Nice O face on her.


Bob & Carol always liked a quickie before the big Friday lunch orgy started.

Ever do it on a conference room table, baby? C'mon, stop teasing me, can't you see I've got blue balls?

It's their first time.

Puzzle-fucked his way to the top.

Her (L): It's smaller than I imagined.
Him (R): I'm a grower, baby.

PREVIOUSLY: the 19 worst "business teamwork" stock photos.

Friday, January 23, 2015

"EAT LESS FOR PUTIN" Propaganda Posters.

The AP reported this morning that Russian Deputy Prime Minister Igor Shuvalov, speaking at Davos, said that the Russian people will "eat less" for their dear leader as the country struggles through a recession and Western sanctions.

Simultaneously, Russia's Ministry of Propaganda, thought to be long defunct, released three posters which they say will be plastered on billboards across the country starting next week.

NOTE: The typeface chosen by the Ministry is "Hunger Games".

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

12 Advertising Headlines That Mean Absolutely Fucking Nothing.

(via some mall in Atlanta)

Shakespeare once described advertising (or maybe it was Life) as "full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Today, of course, most advertising means little or nothing. But some of it means more nothing than the rest. Here is some of that—a collection I've been compiling for awhile.

(snapped on the Upper West Side)

Well, that's...right? Better than "like smegma".
(I do like the product shot art direction of Stoli's new campaign, very Commie.)

(on an A train)

Forget the "CARPE P.M." groaner pun, focus on the sign-off line. "Most Refreshing"? That doesn't mean "tastiest". What does it mean? The most water? Now add in "The Night's" and the line actually becomes less than meaningless.

(in Times Square)

Latin-based puns are hot now.
If this was an ad for the NSA, it would make sense. But it isn't.

(near Columbus Circle)

Ready for what—besides taking my money? To be robbed? And who's "New York"? Anyway: who had the better beard? Wells? or Fargo?

How about that for a USP? Coffee you can actually drink. Donuts you can actually eat. VISIBLE WORDS YOU CAN ACTUALLY SEE.

The meaningless of this line is headache-inducing, much like cable company customer service. The four words add up to nothing to the power of infinity, xfinity.

(via Australia)

Ad bursting with bullshit.
I see only "OH!" on the bottle. Maybe 'YEAH!" is listed in the ingredients.

(on an A train)

It's in "quotes" I guess to emphasis the spoken-ness. How bout "English"? Is that "spoken" there, stupid New Jersey school of "higher" "learning"?

The shit-beer's all-encompassing, utterly meaningless tagline for a couple years now.
• Friend just got eaten by a bear? PERFECT.
• Sharted? PERFECT.
•Beer-tasting contest? PERFECT.

Not only means nothing, but is about the laziest piece of copywriting I've ever seen. What do I win? Are you giving away a free beer to everybody who sees this ad? Find yourself a new agency, Corona. (Ad is by Cramer-Krasselt.)

(in Penn Station)

Another literal headache-inducer.